Quite an accomplishment all things considered.
*Warning this post is about to ramble in tangents never seen before*
Lets roll back a bit shall we? Man... Thirty fucking years. Part of me is in utter shock. Part is in disbelief.
I can distinctly remember conversions with Derek Vasko (my long time friend) about what we'd be doing when we're 30. I never would have imagined me where I am today. Sorry mom and dad, its about to get graphic... you should skip the next paragraph or just stop reading all together.
Back in PA, I hung out with an interesting crowd to say the least. My parents seem to think I was just trying to help/befriend troubled kids but the reality was that I was subject to peer pressure, like most kids that age, I succumbed to influences superficial and wasn't nearly as strong or smart as my parents gave me credit for. I smoked bushels of pot (sorry mom if you're still reading but yea, smoking pot was a regular occurence in high school. I dabbled in other drugs too but nothing that hard core). I was a mere sheep among the herd... a follower, no leader.
But after my sophomore year, I was yanked out and moved across the country to California. Man, did I hate my parents for that... but in retrospect, it was the best thing that ever happened. (yea yea mom, props to you. Now calm down)
I can't help but think who I would be if I continued my life in Pennsylvania. Who would I be? What would I have done with my life?
Obviously, I wouldn't have met my incredible wife. I wouldn't have my adorable daughter nor my child-to-be... Honestly, I don't think I would have amounted to much. Despite my bitching and defiance, moving to California was the best thing that happened to me...
Turning thirty sucks and is inspiring all at the same time. On one hand, it blows because you can no longer use the excuse that you're young (should I cut back my drinking now?) but on the other hand, you're no longer trying to discover who you are; instead, you get to DEFINE and CREATE who you are.
This is pretty exciting actually...
Let that thought resonate for a second... If you can acknowledge that that last twenty-some years were simply an experiment, you can proceed to pick and choose from that what you enjoyed, what you missed out on, what you still want to explore and now REACT because you have some income, some experience, some idea of what you actually WANT to do versus what other have been telling you to do.
For the last twenty, well thirty really, years, I've lived in a world where I've thought my path was already defined. I've embarked on was the "right" path: go to school, go to college, get married, have kids, buy a house, succeed in a career for the next 50 years then retire...
I figured that path would take me a damn long time but SHIT! Here I am, turning 30 and I knocked that out with time to spare (guess smoking all that pot wasn't so terrible after all)
So where am I going now? Who am I and what do I want to create now with this thirty years of wisdom (experience)?
I know I want to create a world where my kids know they're loved to their core. Where, regardless of the crazy shit they do, the bullshit they pull, they will always be able to talk to me about whatever in a safe, comfortable, non-confrontational environment. I know they'll smoke, they'll get tattoos and piercing and want to drive to another state to be with their random "love interest" at that time. But as long as they know they'll always be able to come home, that's fine with me.
But on the flip, I have no idea how to be a good father. I have no clue how to make a 50+ year marriage work. How to deal with troubled kids or turbulent times in a marriage.
Maybe that's life. Maybe that part of the journey. Maybe I need to stop analyzing and just live.Live it by my terms.
What's crazy though is that I've been so caught up in chasing what's supposed to make me happy that I forgot to actually check with myself to see what actually make ME happy. That's seems so silly but I actually haven't thought about it. Its so easy to get caught up in what everyone else expects of you but how often do you do whatever you want? There's small things here and there but once you have "life's responsibilities" you're supposed to be tied down to those obligations... but why?
I SOOOO want to travel more. How I landed in DUBLIN CALIFORNIA as my permanent residence sometimes baffles me. Why can't I move abroad? Live in another country? Learn a new language?
I want to unplug more. I want to spend more time outdoors and away from ethernet cables.
I want to have a vineyard. Pretty self-explanatory really.
I want my kids to live a fulfilled life and never be scared to tell the truth.
I want my wife to discover a passion in life.
I want to TRULY work for myself while enjoying EVERY second.
I want to create more things with my hands.
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Sigh... OK... I've digressed long enough. I'm amazed you're still reading this...
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I don't know what revelations I was expecting to discover through all this. Maybe I just needed to vent.
Here it is, 39 minutes into September 9th and I'm still rambling. Still typing. How sad is this?
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Oh, who am I kidding, I just needed to vent
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I suppose in this next decade I hope find peace. I hope to find some way where I can finally relax and not work so intensely all th etime. Working for yourself creates some extreme strains on one's self (not to mention a marriage) but I hope I can find that balance. I hope my kids don't think I neglect them.
Turning 30 isn't terrible. It's nothing all that crazy actually but it is a milestone and is deserving of some retrospective thoughts nonetheless.
I'm sure this consume my mind for months to come. For now, I'll be happy with just a little peace and quiet to revel in these thoughts and maybe re-focus my energies intot something that matter most like family and quality of life.
Monday, June 27, 2011 at 03:03PM 